"BY" PAUL MERTON
Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I Got News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team. Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr. Merton doesn't like Mr. Saville very much)
During the headline round:
DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you?
SAVILLE: I still am.
DEAYTON: Are you?
SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that.
SAVILLE: What have you heard?
MERTON: Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)
SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...
MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)
HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...
SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.
DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...
SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh)
DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler?
SAVILLE: Yes I was.
DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience giggles)
HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country...
SAVILLE: That's right.
MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh)
HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul...
SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...
FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for pick-ups...
MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.
SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)
MERTON: Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)
DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?
MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say. (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors. (Audience unrest)
HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience laughs)
DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience laughs)FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge audience laugh)SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did.DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything?SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)Out-take 4: 21'20Following a discussion about caravans:DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the...MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.SAVILLE: Did you really?MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke. (Audience laugh)HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago...SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years.MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show, wasn't it? (Audience laugh)SAVILLE: No, they never did want me.HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley?SAVILLE: She was an exception.DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley?SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is...HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh)SAVILLE: That's right.HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything...SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. (Audience unease)MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and fucking pubic lice.HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything.DEAYTON: (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides.SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.MERTON: Oh fuck off...FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey enters)PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON AWAITING HIS CUEDEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting style...*******An amusing, shocking story that's been around for years. However, if you Goggle "Sarah Cornley", all you get is references back to this "story".The Internet is a dangerous place.................