Thursday, 27 August 2009

Why are they never ill till they get caught?

Our favourite delusional Antiguan has developed an 'irregular heartbeat' after failing to get moved from prison in Texas, where he shares a cell with 'about' 10 other innocent men.

Here's the queue of wellwishers in Antigua, see the bunches of grapes and flowers?

This old guy in Mexico was so upset to hear about Stanford's irregular heartbeat, he completely forgot that he had lost his life savings.

Sunday, 9 August 2009

To Assistant Chief Constable Bill Holland, Warwickshire Police Force.

As the 23rd annual Bulldog Bash Motorcycle Festival completes an incident-free sunny weekend, a poster on the site blog brings John Cooper Clarke's angry young prose out of retirement. £1.4 million well spent, Bill.

Like a Night Club in the morning, you’re the bitter end.
Like a recently disinfected shit-house, you’re clean round the bend.
You give me the horrors
too bad to be true
All of my tomorrow’s
are lousy coz of you.

You put the Shat in Shatter
Put the Pain in Spain
Your germs are splattered about
Your face is just a stain

You’re certainly no raver, commonly known as a drag.
Do us all a favour, here... wear this polythene bag.

You’re like a dose of scabies,
I’ve got you under my skin.
You make life a fairy tale... Grimm!

People mention murder, the moment you arrive.
I’d consider killing you if I thought you were alive.
You’ve got this slippery quality,
it makes me think of phlegm,
and a dual personality
I hate both of them.

Your bad breath, vamps disease, destruction, and decay.
Please, please, please, please, take yourself away.
Like a death a birthday party,
you ruin all the fun.
Like a sucked and spat our smartie,
you’re no use to anyone.
Like the shadow of the guillotine
on a dead consumptive’s face.
Speaking as an outsider,
what do you think of the human race

You went to a progressive psychiatrist.
He recommended suicide...
before scratching your bad name off his list,
and pointing the way outside.

You hear laughter breaking through, it makes you want to fart.
You’re heading for a breakdown,
better pull yourself apart.

Your dirty name gets passed about when something goes amiss.
Your attitudes are platitudes,
just make me wanna piss.

What kind of creature bore you
Was is some kind of bat
They can’t find a good word for you,
but I can...

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

You Couldn't Make It Up Pt. MCX... (De laughter echoed around de empty cell)

Robert 'Bobby' DeLaughter was a circuit judge in Hinds County, Jackson, Mississippi, until 30th July. He took bribes, lied, favoured one litigant over another and generally pissed on one of the central tenets of law; that you can have faith in the judge to be impartial and even handed. None of that will appear on his charge sheet, though. Because of the elastic priorities and flexible morality surrounding the doings of the politico-legal establishment in Mississippi he has a deal, eighteen months in jail for "obstruction of justice".
The case is part of the ongoing hubris-radiation fallout from The Scruggs Affair, which has been enthralling/boring/bemusing/ enriching people of varying interests for the past two years. A few highflyers have gone to jail, including the eponymous "Dickie" and his son Zach, and an incredibly odious ex Democratic Party chairman, all caught in flagrante delicto, but anyone hoping for a wholesale clearout of these Good Ole Boys has so far been disappointed.
Apologists and PR for this parasitical scum employ a two pronged attack on those with the audacity to challenge their earwigging, sweet potato cabal; either psuedo analytical handwringing or outright denial, whilst grudgingly conceding that a one off, totallyoutofcharacter lapse of otherwise impeccable 'bastion of society' judgement may, theoretically, have broken some unimportant law.
When a whole strata of influential society evolves an amoral, self regarding and self enriching pattern of behaviour, the ones who survive the ensuing clunky, federal retribution longest will be those who know where the skeletons are.
But even bones turn to dust.

DeLaughter (right) wondering whether he would buy a used car from this man, his lawyer.

Former U.S. Attorney Doug Jones of Birmingham said, ""Bobby DeLaughter's legacy will live long past this mistake."
Jones? Former U.S. Attorney? Rings a bell. Ah, yes.