From the Belfast Telegraph just now,(slightly edited)
A woman jumped barriers and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI at Christmas Eve Mass, a Vatican spokesman has said.
The sudden commotion in St Peter's Basilica happened as the pontiff walked down the main aisle to begin the traditional ceremony. As the procession made its way towards the altar, gasps rang out through the public and a commotion could be seen among a group of clergymen.
The procession came to a halt and bodyguards rushed to the trouble spot and filled the "demented woman" (they're everywhere) full of bullets.
The Pope appeared unhurt and continued calmly on his way to start the Mass.
Earlier, it was decided that The Midnight Mass become the Ten O'clock Mass in order to:
a) give the Sacred Father more sleep before opening his presents
b) help him clear his head of the recurring nightmares before Absolving Himself of Guilt
c) allow his Cardinals extra time out on the piss
Answers, before the Interregnum, to: email@example.com
Meanwhile in Ireland, it was business as usual