Thursday, 30 April 2009

De gustibus non est disputandum (well, maybe this once)

From Lotus flowah, floating on a Floridean lake (do they have lakes in Florida?).......

If, like me, you've long believed that a sense of self-humor forms the borderline of sanity, there's a fellow in Atlanta you should meet.

His name is Neal Horsley, and his schtick is running for governor under the banner of The Creator's Rights Party. Here he is at campaign headquarters with the only known other TCRP-member, his schnauzer, I mean Director of Security (click to enlarge photo):

As you can see either at a glance of his campaign signage or by clicking on the links above, Horsley's devotion to theocracy actually out-Palins Sarah Palin. Heck, his promised violence is even too much for Alan Keyes.

Virulently anti-abortion and anti-gay, he (serially) runs for governor on a platform of "nullification." That is, he believes Georgia, or any state, has the legal right to declare null-and-void any federal law the state deems unconstitutional. TCRP's motto is "We Will Outlaw Abortion In One State, Or the United States of America Will Be Destroyed."

If elected, he says, he plans to declare the second secession of the State of Georgia from the Union. In fact, he recently told a reporter that's the only way to overturn Roe v. Wade:
The candidate for Governor for the Creator's Rights Party says, people have to be willing to die. The idea is to take over a state, then hole up and wait for the United States army to come for a kind of Alamo last stand. ...

"I have a son who was a Sergeant in the Army," he says.

We ask him if you won the election, and you seceded, what would you do if the United States government sent your son to stop you? Would you be willing to kill your own son? Because that's what we're talking about if you start another Civil War -- brother against brother. That's when he relates the following story.

One day, he's in his room arguing with his son (his family tries to talk him out of his extreme positions), and finally loses it. "He literally attacked me," Horsley says. "He weighs 220 lbs like a Bulldog and said 'Don’t say another word!'"

The second time his son slammed him down, when Horsley got up, he had a pocket knife out. "My son looks at me and says, 'So, it’s life or death, huh?' and I said, 'Yeah, life or death son. Don’t come back until you’re ready to apologize to me.' The point is, I was one foot from killing my own son, or hurting him really, really bad. If he would have attacked me again, I would have stuck him. Or cut him or sliced him or done something to stop him. That's the point, [your] hypothetical has literally already been worked out with me, and that’s what makes me different from the other candidates for Governor. They understand I’m not like no politician they have looked at, ever. I am prepared to do a John Brown. I’m not prepared to do an Abe Lincoln and talk out both sides of my mouth and try to get a majority together. I’m looking for the people who are prepared to go with me and take over the foundry, then set up shop and prepare to fight to the death. I’ll do it."
Now I could go on and on with what I've found out about Neal Horsley -- check out the impressive dossier the Southern Poverty Law Center compiled on him -- but here's the surprise (or set of them): unless the BNP has some hidden wags, he's the only Far Right nut you'll ever run across who's intentionally funny.

Let's listen in on Miami Examiner reporter Dylan Otto Krider's recent interview with him:
When you're a reporter, you occasionally have to ask uncomfortable questions of someone. ... During the course of my research, I stumbled upon the fact that Horsley had screwed a mule. (Horsely [sic, and heh] originally fessed up in an Esquire article, which was picked up by Alan Colmes.) At that point, the campaign, the crusade, everything else kind of takes a backseat to the fact that he screwed a mule.

... Here's a snippet of his confession on Alan Colmes:
NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and "and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?"

Horsley said, "You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it."
Krider pursues the topic . . .
"A small mule?" I ask.

"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."

We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.

"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."

"How did you reach?"

"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before." ...

Not only that, but Horsley has had sex with men. He was in the Air Force, it was a cold night, yadda, yadda, yadda, he had sex with him, ahem, the way he did the mule. "It was gross," he says.

Really? He hadn't described the mule that way.

"I've [screwed] a watermelon," he says. And that's just for starters. He's had sex with just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't. "How many times have I masturbated in my life?" he asks. Now he's 65 and orgasm-free for two years (his wife finally divorced him -- too much "drama", she said). "The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin."

Good to know.
Ya think?

UPDATE: Now of course Horsley ain't the only nutter in his neighborhood. As a matter of fact, for Daily Kos, Research 2000 just polled Georgia residents on the questions

Do you think Georgia would be better off as an independent nation or as part of the United States of America?


Would you approve or disapprove of Georgia leaving the United States?

Among respondents self-identifying as Republicans (polling margin-of-error: 4%), 43% think Georgia would be better off as an independent nation; 32% approve the idea of seceding. (Just in case you doubt GOPers' reputation as sore losers . . . ) No word from the mules or watermelons.


  1. We got lakes, we got ponds, we got sloughs, we got ditches (and let me not forget water-hazards on golf courses). The gators love 'em all. And we love the gators back -- not a la Horsley, but fried, with lots of lemon juice.

  2. In My Mississippi we have springs running out of the Hills, crawfish in spring runoffs, and snakes in Big Bear but no gators.